Love, love, love, love, love.

You're Feeling Veeerrrryyyy Sleeeeeeeppyyyyyy....

You're feeling veeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.


Perfect Solution

This is a perfect solution to the full-body scanners that some airports got after the suicide-leg-guy.



Bikes are Evil... Until You Turn 10

I did not learn how to ride a bike until I was 10 years old. I was freaking terrified of the damn things-- I was like Satchel from "Get Fuzzy." Bicycles were evil beings that were to be feared.

I don't know exactly where this bicycle-phobia originated. The only even slightly traumatic experience involving bicycles that I can remember is when I got run over by a local boy on his bike. And that time, it wasn't because of any malfunction of the bike's; it was because I was in the middle of the Pedway. He was riding down the Pedway, because it's at like the perfect angle for bike-riding with little effort, and I was like, "oh, I'm closer to this side than to that side, so I'll move the one foot that it would take to get out of his way." Unfortunately, he also moved that direction, despite the fact that there was literally 5 feet of space in the other direction. I got run over.

But I digress.
So I hated bikes until I was around 10-- so, up until three years ago. Then I got invited to go with my best friend Ruby to Ocracoke Island. Now, that wouldn't be much of a big deal bike-wise, if it was something like Topsail Island or Emerald Isle or something. But it was Ocracoke, where the accepted mode of transportation is the bicycle. And if I wanted to get anywhere on Ocracoke, I was gonna have to ride a bicycle.
Ruby couldn't really ride well either, (although she was considerably less terrified of them than I was, because she was actually SANE), so about a week before we departed for the island, she took out her little red bike. We were determined to learn, even if it cost us our knees. And elbows. And, um, every other angular area on our bodies.

So we tramped up to the Plaza, which is a circular area halfway up the Pedway, and the only really wide place in the neighborhood. There we strapped on our helmets and took turns riding for about ten feet (which is when we fell off). I have no idea why it was so hard.
When we felt we had sufficiently learned how to go more than ten feet at a time, we walked up to the top of the Pedway, and Ruby hopped on the bike again. Then I ran down to the Plaza and made sure no one was around, and howled (the neighborhood kids' favored communication was to wolf-howl). Ruby slowly rode down, stopping every twenty feet or so. When she finally reached the Plaza, we slapped high-fives and traded positions. I ran-walked the bike back up to the top, and waited for Ruby's howl. When she howled, I got on the bike and rode slowly down.

This continued for about an hour.
When we finally got to the point where we could consistently coast down the Pedway with no problem, we were thrilled. We had taught ourselves in one day what both of our fathers hadn't been able to teach us in the four years they'd been trying!
After that, Ruby and I have turned into expert bike-riders. Ocracoke has been awesome-- I've been invited every year since then-- and Ruby still has the little red bike. I have since gotten a Pepto-Bismol-pink beach cruiser, which is more comfortable for me, because I can sit up. I really need to spray-paint it a different color, though. Pink is not my favorite color, at all. :C
So yeah! That is the tale of how bikes are evil until you turn 10.

I was reminded of my bike tales because Allie at Hyperbole and a Half posted her bike story, which is slightly more painful and visual than mine. GO GIVE HER LOVES!

Sarah Palin Got Pranked

This is almost a year old, but it's so great that I had to post it.


Slow-Motion Camera

Subjects: dart hitting dart board; green squishy toy thiny with the rubber spaghetti things, you know what I'm talking about right?; and OMFSM A LEVITATING JELLO!

I-Movix Sprintcam v3 sample shots from David Coiffier on Vimeo.

I WANT THAT CAMERA, just for the sake of having slow-mo levitating jello.



The song is Octopus by Jonathan Coulton. Dunno who the artist is.

One of the most-favorited YouTube comments says "i will never swim in the sea again." I agree...

no via.

Justin Bieber Is Not a Tank

Justin Bieber attempts to outrun a crowd of squealing fangirls...
...by grabbing a Segway.



Daddy Longlegs in a Tree

Okay, you have been warned: in the following video, there are a LOT of EFFING NOT-SPIDERS.

I don't CARE that their creepy little fangs aren't strong enough to bite humans, those things are freaking terrifying!


How To Make a Daft Punk Helmet



Don't Taze My Granny!

This is depressive.[sic] And yet, morbidly fascinating...

(CN) - Police Tasered an 86-year-old disabled grandma in her bed and stepped on her oxygen hose until she couldn't breathe, after her grandson called 911 seeking medical assistance, the woman and her grandson claim in Oklahoma City Federal Court. Though the grandson said, "Don't Taze my granny!" an El Reno police officer told another cop to "Taser her!" and wrote in his police report that he did so because the old woman "took a more aggressive posture in her bed," according to the complaint.


Jane Austen's Fight Club

That is all.



Hitler Reacts

Hitler reacts to Jessi Slaughter.

I hate to say it, well actually I really don't, but that girl brought it upon herself. GodDAMN people are stupid.


No Happy Ending/Controversy Time! Vol.2

Picture this.
You’re a boy, and madly, madly in love with a girl named Suzie. She loves you back, and it’s almost too good to be true. You and Suzie get married and raise three healthy, happy children. Your parents are awesome grandparents for them, and everyone’s happy. You live a life of relative luxury, safe in your middle-class home, going out to eat every once in a while, and you’re able to hold Suzie’s hand in public without blinking an eye. You and Suzie live happily ever after!

Now, imagine if you were a girl. You and Suzie are still madly in love, but you can barely go out in public without being humiliated. Your parents have disowned you, and you struggled to find a good job. You adopt two children, and love them as if they were yours. You and Suzie weren’t able to get married, because it’s illegal, but you’re content to live with her, at least. You never go out to eat anymore, because you’re always thrown out of the restaurants. Your grandparents hate you, too, and you’ve become the estranged cousin that you always heard about. Your lives aren’t horrible, but sometimes the local boys come and spray-paint “fags” on the side of your house, or throw rocks through the windows. Sure, your lives aren’t exactly what you’d always dreamed, but it’s all the same in the end, right? Right?

And here we are, arrived at the big question: Since when was loving someone wrong?

So kudos to Canada, for being the 4th nation to legalize gay marriage for five years now. The United States of America needs to get its conservative, bigoted ass in gear.

Blogs of Note (the Mara edition)

Hyperbole and a Half- hilarious, punctuated by Paint drawings, and true to its name, HaaH is one of the funniest and best blogs out there. :)
TYWKIWDBI- where I get most of my news, and also links to funny/interesting/WTF/historical/etc pictures, articles, and videos.
Steam Me Up, Kid- Yeah, I don't even know how Becky is as funny as she is.
Monster Apathy- just started reading this today, but so far it's had penis jokes, a double-pistol-toting panda, and dinosaurs. All this in 2 posts.
For The Lose- By my wondiferous internet FSM-buddy Alien. And/or her friends (whom I don't know, but oh-freakin'-well). :D

And, um, that's all for the Blogspot blogs. Maybe someday I'll give you invisible fans out there links to the non-Blogspot-blogs I read. :D


Mass Hysteria

Continuing with last night's Jesus post, here's a video of preacher Kenneth Hagin insinuating mass hysteria. It's the same breed of freakishness as the various dancing crazes in Europe during the Middle Ages.


Jesus Blows Shit Up

Jesus blows shit up in a rather graphic Jehovah's Witness promotion video.


Controversy Time!

Welcome folks, to the first episode of Controversy Time! Your host today is the beautiful Miss Mara! Today's topic: Anti-Twihards.

Eh, yeah, that's right. We're going to be discussing (and by "we" and "discussing," I mean "I" and "writing a monologue about") the most popular, mainstream form of Twihard.

The anti-Twihard.

Buckle your seatbelts, kiddies, 'cause you're about to be faced with a whole lot of rant, philosophy, hypocrisy, and possibly some digressions that have nothing at all to do with Twilight.

So, to start: a brief timeline of the Twihard.

1. Twilight is published. Barnes & Noble rejoices because of the gigantic sales. So do nine-year-old girls-- finally, a romance book that doesn't have any S-E-X in it! This is the first form of Twihard.
2. The 9-yr-olds' sisters and mothers read the book, and are convinced by the 9-yr-old that Twilight is the best book in the history of books. These sisters and mothers are the second wave of Twihards. Somewhere in here, the movies come out.
3. Boys become aware of the series. Some are forced to read it themselves, and it instantly becomes an internet meme that boys and sane girls hate the series with all their hearts. Much to their dismay, I'm sure, the boys and girls who hate Twilight with a passion, and read it every day just so that their arguments can be absolutely sound, are the most recent form of Twihard.

Whaaaaaaat, you say? How on Earth can someone who hates Twilight with all their heart possibly be a Twihard? Psshhhht. You have much to learn, young grasshopper.

As far as I can tell, Twihards love Twilight because they genuinely like the series (usually). The same is true with the original anti-Twihards: they hate it because they genuinely hate the characters, or the writing, or the plotline, or whatever. But the ensuing waves of anti-Twihards, who now have a 10:1 ratio over the Twihards, dislike Twilight for a different reason.

Disliking Twilight is mainstream.

It's what the cool kids do. The cool kids hate Twilight. They go against the flow. They look down upon those who still like the series. So in that sense, Twihards are actually morally superior to most anti-Twihards.

It's fine not to like the series. But it takes effort to actually hate something.

So the next time you go trolling, think a little. Are you disagreeing with the Twihards because you honestly think Twilight is the bane of your existence? Or is it just because you want to feel cool and socially superior?

Starting things with a kick

From the New Yorker cartoon archives.