Cute Animals That Could Kill You

SHREWS

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Some species of shrews have the ability to generate surprisingly strong poison, which gets into a person after the shrew bites you with its teeth or through your skin. It can be extremely painful, and (although very rarely) it can result in death. When they bite, it's because you're holding them or stepping on them or something. What, you think a shrew is gonna eat you? Cliquez-ici for more information about shrew poison.

LEOPARD SEALS

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Leopard seals are incredibly strong, can hold their breaths for extremely long periods of time, and have teeth comparable to a tiger's. When they attack, they mean business. And business usually involves eating you, because chances are? They're hunting and you're penguin-shaped.

BADGERS

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Though they're very cute and handsome, badgers are also freakishly strong. Their teeth are large and pointed, and their claws (which evolved into long, curved, flat pointy things for digging) can gut a man in one swipe. Badgers only feel the need to attack if they think you're on their territory, though-- it's not like they're hunting. They're defending.

BABY SNAKES

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Adult poisonous snakes are dangerous enough, but baby snakes are even worse. This is because of several reasons. First, they're small and you probably wouldn't see one until it's already too late. Second, they're babies-- no one expects a baby snake to have any venom, right? Well they do. They have almost as much venom at any one time as their adult counterparts, which leads us to Three. Three, they don't have as much control over their venom as adults, so they'll probably just hang on and keep pumping poison into your body without just going "screw this, I've warned them enough" and dropping off.

WOLVERINES

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Wolverines are small. They are cute. They are fuzzy. They are able to rip off your head and feed it to their cubs, too. Big teeth + enormous strength + naturally aggressive = you're screwed.

ANTEATERS

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Awww, anteater! Cute! And it only eats bugs. Sounds pretty safe, right? Wrong. Anteaters are big, they've got massive sharp claws, and they will straight-out maul you if you make fun of their cubs' long noses.

BLUE-RINGED OCTOPI AND ALSO BOX JELLYFISH

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Blue-ringed octopi are generally accepted as one of the world's most venomous creatures. Also, box jellyfish. But I figured I could probably lump 'em in together in one post, since knowing what a box jellyfish looks like will not help you. They are tiny. You will not see it.

GIRAFFES

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Giraffes: the gentle giants of the African tundra (well, other than elephants). But if a lioness is stupid enough to try to attack a giraffe, she will get her ass kicked. And I mean that literally. Giraffes have a kick strong enough to smash a lioness's skull in, and they are not afraid to use it.

OSTRICHES

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Ostriches look funny, they walk funny, and they cannot fly. But like the giraffe, the ostrich has one HELL of a powerful kick. They will also peck at your eyes, but that's only if you get close enough.

MOOSE OR MEESE OR MOOSES OR WHATEVER

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Moose (mooses? meese?) will charge at you if they're threatened. And they will charge fast and hit you hard. You do not want to be stuck between a mama moose and her baby moose. Pretty much any plan is smarter.

PUFFER FISHIES

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Few things are cuter than a puffed-up puffer fish. But the poison of the puffer fish, which it delivers through its bite, will paralyze your diaphragm (don't know what that is? It's the muscle under your lungs that makes you breathe) until you die, and then some. Also, eating a puffer fish that hasn't been properly filleted may or may not kill you (there was a Simpsons episode about that once...).

HIPPOS

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Hippos are assholes. They regularly overturn boats in the Nile river and kill passengers, just because the boat made a shadow above them. And there's kinda no cheap way to scan for them, and even if you could scan the river for them, they get pretty freakin' huge.
Also, apparently there's an abnormally enormous hippo who just camps out in one section of the Nile and flips over any boats that comes near him. Attempts to hippo-nap him have all failed.

And last but not least...

PEOPLE

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What, you thought you'd get through this post without getting trolled?

It is true, though.